I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
