remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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