My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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