8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
