Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
