you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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