new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
