my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
