If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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