In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
