I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
