I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
