We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
