1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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