he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Drunk is not a location!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My bed smells like the plague
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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