You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
