Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
PANTIES FOUND
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