Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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