i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
