So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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