he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
