totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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