I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
