I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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