I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
