alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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