Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
