Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I could have mohawked her pubes.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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