You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
