I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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