this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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