I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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