I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
