I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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