When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
The feeling are messing with the penis
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
