Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
