dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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