I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
