Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
