I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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