I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
