I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize