I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You made out with two different species that night
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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