You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
