I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
