Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
