So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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