i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
