"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
