the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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