Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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