you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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