I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Floor bacon is actually really good
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
