just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
