I think I can smell my own vagina right now
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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