its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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