I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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